Children have very little control of their life in their earliest years. Starting around 2, they are desperate to expand their autonomy, to learn new skills, and to become less and less dependent on others for getting things done! You will see this when your child says “I do it”, or cries loudly to do something just after you finished doing it for them, or suddenly does something on their own that you didn’t realize they could do (or perhaps you didn’t want them to).
However, there are a few things they (or their bodies) are the boss of from birth, and I highly recommend avoiding power struggles in these areas. They control, if they eat, if they poop/pee, and if they sleep. You can put them to bed, but you can’t make them sleep. You can sit them on the potty, but you can’t make them poop. You can offer them food, but you can’t make them eat. These are battles you will loose. And if children sense you are putting a lot of attention in these areas, these are places they will challenge you, and they will win!
You’re going to have many parenting challenges/battles in these early years. Your child should lose most of them—I always joke that the joy of arguing with a preschooler is that I usually win. However, a successful strategy for not losing an argument with a preschooler is to not fight the battles you can’t win. If a child wants to gain a sense of or assert their independence from you and they sense you are trying to regulate one of these three areas, that they have control over, they will get into a power struggle with you and they will win. When this happens, it can undo any forward progress you made in these areas. Healthy eating can unravel with stealthy stolen treats, potty accidents can become a sign of resistance, and sleep battles can rage through the night (or, sigh, early morning).
For these three areas: eating, sleeping and bathroom, acknowledge and accept that your child is the boss of these things. Give them the tools they need for success in these areas, tell them what your expectations are for them, and then let them feel in control. Giving them control of these areas, means fewer power struggles, and gives your child the assurance that you know they will be successful, these things aren’t hard, you know they will figure them out.
Despite not being able to control the final acts in this area, you have a great amount of influence to help them be successful. You pick which foods they have on offer in the house, even if you can’t force them to put the carrot in their mouth, you can offer it. You can ask them to sit on the potty or stop buying diapers, even if we can’t make them ultimately go on the potty on demand, you can create a routine and time to head to the bedroom even if we can’t make them sleep. You can set the expectation and give them the supplies for success! Just try to avoid the battles you can’t win!